Whoah. Didn't think that I'd ever start a blog if I'm completely honest. I always thought that it was for people that appeared to have deeply interesting lives that other people would want to look at and admire and think 'wow I wish my life was that exciting' but now I find myself typing these words right now. Obviously that doesn't mean I think my life is in any way vaguely interesting to other people, however I find myself wanting to write about things that affect my life simply because it seems like a good way to express them and to possibly help any issues that I may have. Call it Cyber-Counselling if you will.
Anyway, the main reason I decided to write a blog was because of my dear friend Lauren who also has a blog - lightmyshadow if your interested - and it seemed that she took great comfort out of writing on here about stuff so I decided that it might be a good idea. Especially since certain things in my life at the moment are not exactly what I would think of as 'easy going.'
What I'm referring to is the fact that I have decided that I am a shit girlfriend. Pardon the french but it needed to be spoken bluntly. I've realised that although I love the thought of having a boyfriend, and the strings that are attached to that label, in reality, particular traits of mine make it much more difficult than first thought.
Basically, I have a boyfriend at the moment, have been seeing him for a while and now for some reason things between me and him appear to have soured - all of this, down to me. Basically, when I'm not physically with him, my feelings towards him appear to be much weaker compared to when I am with him, to the extent where sometimes I find it almost impossible to talk to him. Why I feel like this I have absolutely no idea, which makes it a million times worse because I don't understand what has gone wrong. On his side, nothing has gone wrong: we don't argue and we get on amazingly; however for some strange reason, I just don't find it comforting or interesting to talk to him on things like MSN or the phone the way that I used to.
I decided recently that it was unfair to leave him in the dark about the whole situation and so I told him how I felt - obviously he didn't take the news well as expected - but at the end of the day, it is how I am at the moment and so I felt that he needed to know. What made my news even worse, was the fact that he had recently told me he loved me. I know some people don't necessarily think of that phrase as particularly special anymore, since it is thrown around so carelessly, however for him to admit that meant something to me, despite what was going on. What also amazes me is that he has decided not to give up like everyone else would - hell, even I would of at this stage! - and instead wants to try and make it work. In a way, I am happy about this, because I am just dreading that what I am feeling right now is something that is not a phase and so I will have to hurt him one way or another - something I would rather have inflicted on myself than someone else. On the other hand however, I worry that all that I'm doing is deluding him into thinking it is going to work and so hurting him even more by lengthening the inevitable. From a friend perspective, I still care about him a lot, and from a romantic perspective I care about him a lot, especially when I'm with him, however I wonder if it is the same thing, and if so, why am I trying to prolong something that clearly is not going to work?
*Sigh* I really am Confusion Girl right now. What I really wish for is some mystic Yoda type person to tell me what I should do, or at least tell me what the hell is going on in my head, because I certainly don't have a clue. I'm saying things that I'm not really sure about to compensate other people and hurting them when I should be someone they need to rely on. And what is the conclusion? I have a boyfriend confused and upset but who is determined to make it work, and myself who is confused and completely and utterly fucked up. Pardon the french again.
Anyway, I'm not really sure why I have written so much. Isn't there some kind of etiquette as to how much you should write per blog? Hmm I don't know but if someone could please notify me, that'd be great. Least then I don't have to embarrass myself a second time.

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