This is seriously shit. I'm sick of feeling like this.
Why the fuck do i always go for the people I can't have. Seriously, am i that fucked up in the head that I just cant let go?

Its so easy to think that its possible he's thinking about me, and that he likes me, because thats what i want to hear. Its just the thought of him really not being interested anymore that i cant even bring myself to thinking of.

How can someone just completly stop talking to someone? When they've said how much they're in love with you? How is that even possible! I can't do that, its fucking cruel. I just want him. Too much. It's fucking wrong because its clear he doesnt want me anymore.

Kayy i dont know why i wrote this because its just bullshit that makes no sense. My head hurts and my chest feels weird and i just wanna go to bed now. I wanna ring him. Just wanna hear him speak like once, i want him to tell me that he doesnt like me anymore instead of just being blanked. I'd rather have my heart broken by him telling me the truth rather than have it broken after wondering for 3 weeks about how he feels. I swear i must have been a murderer or something in a former life cause nothing seems to go right for me in terms of who i fall for. I know im feeling sorry for myself but to be honest, there's no one else who feels sorry for me because they really dont get it. Anyone iv told just says "you need to forget him hannah" and then the rare few, like Porsh who do know, cant empathize at the moment because they have their own lives and their own guys. Its understandable obviously, im not expecting them to like reject their guys for me haha! No i just wish stuff would make a bit more sense cause im going insane here.

kay bye.

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist"

Mmmm chase coy. His guitar makes me happy :) << see thats my face right there, smiling away! Really been into acoustic stuff recently - dunno why, its just a lot easier to listen to and the lyrics usually make a bit more sense when there not being screamed at me like the other songs i listen to haha.

But yeahh, do you not think town is a bit suckish recently? It's like i get ready and walk to porsh's, looking forward to it, and then as soon as i go, its like : can i go home now? I know thats harsh, its nothing to do with who i go with or out, its just a bit crap when your walking around doing nothing and spending money on useless stuff when you know it could be used for other stuff more important.

This week anyway is my revision week. Only a bit a day but im not going out at all. That way my mum will let me go out on saturday to see Ben :D I really wanna see him but im also kinda scared aswell. We've been mates for 2 years and obviously theres been a lot of things inbetween that time that havnt been good but i suppose thats just friends for you. I'm worried that im just gonna turn into a shy mess tbhz. I'm scared of what happened with me and Jake and that its gonna happen with me and Ben. Obviously the circumstances are a bit different but still. He's travelling up here just to see me and i dont want it to be awekward for him. Not like he can just hop on a bus and go home is it? Hmm. I think i should stop overthinking it all cause i'll just jinx it all knowing me haha.

Porsh made me laugh today - rang me up saying she's going to town and is gonna beat him up for me and say YOU KNOW WHY! lmaooo sorry dont even try and understand that inside joke. But yeah she is a babe sometimes porsh. She knows how sad i am and she still loves me. She may drive me nuts on rare occaision but shes one of the coolest people I know tbhz. If i left she would be one of the rare few that i would reallyyyyyyy miss and cry my eyes out for.

Anyways, just thought I'd update cause i havnt for a bit.
Oh and by the way, if your wondering what the hell my title is about - its a quote from Ghandi. I know it has no reference to my blog but i really like it because it shows how there can't be peace if there is violence. Ghandi should be my grandad tbhz.

peace :)

Fish? Nahh thanks I'm straight. .

Uhhhhhh. Right. Decided i need to stop building up shitty blogs. I like write tons on one about stuff thats happened over a long time and it makes like no sense and i get shit for it anyway! haha ahh well.

But yeah. Still being ignored by him. That really fucking sucks. Porsh is gonna beat him up for me aparnetly haha. I dont get how if you really like someone, you can just stop talking to them over something so petty as what he fell out with me over. I mean even if he had done that to me i wouldnt even be fussed id have gotton over it weeks ago and then maybe i could have been able to see him more :/ I keep saying to myself - why dont i just forget about him? - but i like physically cant. I dont like leaving things the way they are. I hate him hating me. Just the way he looked straight through me like i was a complete stranger the other day when he clearly knew it was me was so uncool. I didnt know whether to get on the bus and ask him what his problem was or just fuck off home by myself. Everything after that was just shit. Porsh and G would know hah.

But yeah. Only 3 more days of school before lie in's galore and seeing Gazza so im happy :) everything else is just stuff I've already dealt with.

peace :)
x

Blueblueblue;

Makes me laugh how my blogs are literally parts of novels and my friend's ones are about 10 lines long XD ahhh good times. I think thats just cause when i write a blog, i tend to have quite a bit to say - that, and the fact i can prattle for England!

But yeahhh ummm I am in a very confused place right now.
Been invited to go to someones house tomorrow and at first i was like yeahhhhh sure :D cause he's one of my best mates and such. But then of course certain people had to open their fucking mouths and go on about how he likes me and how i am 'supposed' to do stuff with him cause its not fair on him if i dont!!! I was like WTF! Bang out of order that. I didn't realise that going to a guys house meant they were getting in your pants. If so then Harvey should practically be my fuck buddy by now!!!

But yeahhh he's my best mate. It's weird to be thinking like that. I dont want to do anything but now im scared that if i go he's gonna try something and then it'll be awekward so i'll have to go. And im telling you now; his house is a TRECK from mine. ¬¬ Plus i dont wanna end up not speaking to him cause then ill just end up punching someone. I'm sick of people just blaitently IGNORING me :/

Then iv got one of my best mates reallyyyyy pissing me off. Firstly she goes on and just rips me along with her boyfriend about the thing i just talked about. Like not helping me at all and just watching me get more annoyed. I'm sorry but just cause she is 'gagging for it' dont mean i have to be with everyone else. Then she just goes off and tells the ONE person who she KNOWS will fucking say shit about it. So yeahhh, she can fuck off at the moment because i really cant be bothered with her odd ways with me. When shes not with her boyfriend she's reet but then the second she's with him its like she's gone and swapped someones DNA for hers. I don't know her sometimes.

but yeahhh i cant be bothered with it. There are people i know a lot worse off. So im just gonna go tomorrow, relax, be myself and if anything happens that i dont want, ill just walk home i dont care.

peace guys x