Human Instinct?

Wow well, would you look at just how much junk happens in an instant. Or in my case, a few instants. I thought I was finally content with myself for once - being mates again with my ex, and then having someone in my life who truly cared about me and i felt the same way, despite difficult circumstances and then amazing mates to go on top. Of course, the little floaty thing in the sky had to stop that at once, i couldnt be happy for a bit, no not at all.

I swear i must have done some shit in a former life because everything just goes pearshaped the moment its starting to become an apple - haha sorry i had to add my own little metaphor.

Firstly, one of my mates tells me that he's in love with me. It was such a shock because throughout the whole time I'd known him, he'd had a girlfriend and so I had always considered him as a mate and nothing else. It was only a few weeks before he told me he loved me that he had broken up with her and so of course i was surprised - I had never thought of him in that way. So, puzzled, i simply said that I wasn't sure on my feelings of him as it was something I hadnt considered before but that I loved talking to him. He then blocked me. At first i thought it reasonable for him to do that - at the end of the day, he'd just admitted something he was scared to say and then recieved an answer he didn't want to hear so i was a bit stunned yeah but i understood it. However its now been 2 weeks and he refuses to speak to me at all. I mean AT ALL. I tried to ring him, he cut it off, didnt reply to a text and just in general refuses to have any connection with me. I find it almost impossible to understand why he would resent me so much for it. I mean yes i have hurt him but surely he would have gotton over the origional shock and try to move on at least but thats not what he's doing. It's now come to a point where everytime im rejected, it hurts. I guess i miss him but maybe thats the wrong word?

Then there's the other guy. He knows me better than anyone else. The things that he knows about me I havnt confided in anyone else with and so i stupidly assumed that he would be the same when it came to being completely honest. I've also kind of had this thing for him, i really liked him. Anyone who knows this bit is probably like "He lives too far hannah whats the point?" but to be honest i dont think you can judge things like that unless you've been in the situation yourself, its one of those complicated things. It didnt stop me though. But yeah i stupidly assumed that he liked me as much as i liked him based on what he said and then BAM, junk happens. I find out that he's getting with his ex and has already fucked her. Great. If im honest, it isnt the fact that he is getting back with her, i can understand that. It's the fact that all the stuff he said to me was basically bullshit and lies, all the things i believed were for real. That, and the fact he didn't even have the balls to tell me himself that he didn't feel the same. So yeah i got a bit upset. Cried a bit you know. Fucked up to be honest.

I'm seriously done with all this junk. Being fucked over by someone i trusted more than anyone else, and then being blaintely ignored like im nothing by someone i was so close to. What really is the point in caring about people? Human instinct is to look out for yourself. Every man for himself. And yet you see people willing to lose parts of themselves to share themselves with others and the majority getting fucked over. It's just pointless.

Thankfully though, there are some people that are still with me. People like Lauren, Sarah, Ellie and Mollsy. People who aint affraid to tell me what they really think and who genuinely care about what i do and what happens as a result. They really are amazing.

peace :)
xo