Why. Why. WHY do i even bother putting myself through him every fucking time :/

I think I might have loved him, like for real.

Shame it will never happen, no matter how much I want it to.


Anyway, i can't do it anymore, seriously its too much now. I've cried over you big time, I'm not doing that again...If you decide to treat me odd then fine I'll just leave you to it, dont come see me, not like I care anyway.

WTF is with past guys creeping up?! I'm sorry but i'm not sorting out your girlfriend problems mate, thats beyond a piss take when you think about it. Grow a pair an sort it out yourself. Kid.

ew.ew.ew.ew.ew. ceeeeeeeeebs with freaking JUNK right now. Just wanna get in bed and leave everything else till tomorrow, but it all just creeps up on me when i dont want it to.

I dont even know whats wrong with me, I'm just moaning about everything but i seriously just cba with it all. I want summer to come so i can hang out, get some music an not have anything to do all day but just anything we want. Not go here, meet up with them, ring him. Just annoys me.

anyway yeah, this is like a "sighhhhhhh" blog tonight. Gonna go listen to nickelback in bed until i fall asleep. No doubt some selfish person is gonna text me demandin a birthday present, seriously, you dont even like me that much surely? Like.like like likelikelikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

night people. Please dont talk to me.

This is seriously shit. I'm sick of feeling like this.
Why the fuck do i always go for the people I can't have. Seriously, am i that fucked up in the head that I just cant let go?

Its so easy to think that its possible he's thinking about me, and that he likes me, because thats what i want to hear. Its just the thought of him really not being interested anymore that i cant even bring myself to thinking of.

How can someone just completly stop talking to someone? When they've said how much they're in love with you? How is that even possible! I can't do that, its fucking cruel. I just want him. Too much. It's fucking wrong because its clear he doesnt want me anymore.

Kayy i dont know why i wrote this because its just bullshit that makes no sense. My head hurts and my chest feels weird and i just wanna go to bed now. I wanna ring him. Just wanna hear him speak like once, i want him to tell me that he doesnt like me anymore instead of just being blanked. I'd rather have my heart broken by him telling me the truth rather than have it broken after wondering for 3 weeks about how he feels. I swear i must have been a murderer or something in a former life cause nothing seems to go right for me in terms of who i fall for. I know im feeling sorry for myself but to be honest, there's no one else who feels sorry for me because they really dont get it. Anyone iv told just says "you need to forget him hannah" and then the rare few, like Porsh who do know, cant empathize at the moment because they have their own lives and their own guys. Its understandable obviously, im not expecting them to like reject their guys for me haha! No i just wish stuff would make a bit more sense cause im going insane here.

kay bye.

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist"

Mmmm chase coy. His guitar makes me happy :) << see thats my face right there, smiling away! Really been into acoustic stuff recently - dunno why, its just a lot easier to listen to and the lyrics usually make a bit more sense when there not being screamed at me like the other songs i listen to haha.

But yeahh, do you not think town is a bit suckish recently? It's like i get ready and walk to porsh's, looking forward to it, and then as soon as i go, its like : can i go home now? I know thats harsh, its nothing to do with who i go with or out, its just a bit crap when your walking around doing nothing and spending money on useless stuff when you know it could be used for other stuff more important.

This week anyway is my revision week. Only a bit a day but im not going out at all. That way my mum will let me go out on saturday to see Ben :D I really wanna see him but im also kinda scared aswell. We've been mates for 2 years and obviously theres been a lot of things inbetween that time that havnt been good but i suppose thats just friends for you. I'm worried that im just gonna turn into a shy mess tbhz. I'm scared of what happened with me and Jake and that its gonna happen with me and Ben. Obviously the circumstances are a bit different but still. He's travelling up here just to see me and i dont want it to be awekward for him. Not like he can just hop on a bus and go home is it? Hmm. I think i should stop overthinking it all cause i'll just jinx it all knowing me haha.

Porsh made me laugh today - rang me up saying she's going to town and is gonna beat him up for me and say YOU KNOW WHY! lmaooo sorry dont even try and understand that inside joke. But yeah she is a babe sometimes porsh. She knows how sad i am and she still loves me. She may drive me nuts on rare occaision but shes one of the coolest people I know tbhz. If i left she would be one of the rare few that i would reallyyyyyyy miss and cry my eyes out for.

Anyways, just thought I'd update cause i havnt for a bit.
Oh and by the way, if your wondering what the hell my title is about - its a quote from Ghandi. I know it has no reference to my blog but i really like it because it shows how there can't be peace if there is violence. Ghandi should be my grandad tbhz.

peace :)

Fish? Nahh thanks I'm straight. .

Uhhhhhh. Right. Decided i need to stop building up shitty blogs. I like write tons on one about stuff thats happened over a long time and it makes like no sense and i get shit for it anyway! haha ahh well.

But yeah. Still being ignored by him. That really fucking sucks. Porsh is gonna beat him up for me aparnetly haha. I dont get how if you really like someone, you can just stop talking to them over something so petty as what he fell out with me over. I mean even if he had done that to me i wouldnt even be fussed id have gotton over it weeks ago and then maybe i could have been able to see him more :/ I keep saying to myself - why dont i just forget about him? - but i like physically cant. I dont like leaving things the way they are. I hate him hating me. Just the way he looked straight through me like i was a complete stranger the other day when he clearly knew it was me was so uncool. I didnt know whether to get on the bus and ask him what his problem was or just fuck off home by myself. Everything after that was just shit. Porsh and G would know hah.

But yeah. Only 3 more days of school before lie in's galore and seeing Gazza so im happy :) everything else is just stuff I've already dealt with.

peace :)
x

Blueblueblue;

Makes me laugh how my blogs are literally parts of novels and my friend's ones are about 10 lines long XD ahhh good times. I think thats just cause when i write a blog, i tend to have quite a bit to say - that, and the fact i can prattle for England!

But yeahhh ummm I am in a very confused place right now.
Been invited to go to someones house tomorrow and at first i was like yeahhhhh sure :D cause he's one of my best mates and such. But then of course certain people had to open their fucking mouths and go on about how he likes me and how i am 'supposed' to do stuff with him cause its not fair on him if i dont!!! I was like WTF! Bang out of order that. I didn't realise that going to a guys house meant they were getting in your pants. If so then Harvey should practically be my fuck buddy by now!!!

But yeahhh he's my best mate. It's weird to be thinking like that. I dont want to do anything but now im scared that if i go he's gonna try something and then it'll be awekward so i'll have to go. And im telling you now; his house is a TRECK from mine. ¬¬ Plus i dont wanna end up not speaking to him cause then ill just end up punching someone. I'm sick of people just blaitently IGNORING me :/

Then iv got one of my best mates reallyyyyy pissing me off. Firstly she goes on and just rips me along with her boyfriend about the thing i just talked about. Like not helping me at all and just watching me get more annoyed. I'm sorry but just cause she is 'gagging for it' dont mean i have to be with everyone else. Then she just goes off and tells the ONE person who she KNOWS will fucking say shit about it. So yeahhh, she can fuck off at the moment because i really cant be bothered with her odd ways with me. When shes not with her boyfriend she's reet but then the second she's with him its like she's gone and swapped someones DNA for hers. I don't know her sometimes.

but yeahhh i cant be bothered with it. There are people i know a lot worse off. So im just gonna go tomorrow, relax, be myself and if anything happens that i dont want, ill just walk home i dont care.

peace guys x

Human Instinct?

Wow well, would you look at just how much junk happens in an instant. Or in my case, a few instants. I thought I was finally content with myself for once - being mates again with my ex, and then having someone in my life who truly cared about me and i felt the same way, despite difficult circumstances and then amazing mates to go on top. Of course, the little floaty thing in the sky had to stop that at once, i couldnt be happy for a bit, no not at all.

I swear i must have done some shit in a former life because everything just goes pearshaped the moment its starting to become an apple - haha sorry i had to add my own little metaphor.

Firstly, one of my mates tells me that he's in love with me. It was such a shock because throughout the whole time I'd known him, he'd had a girlfriend and so I had always considered him as a mate and nothing else. It was only a few weeks before he told me he loved me that he had broken up with her and so of course i was surprised - I had never thought of him in that way. So, puzzled, i simply said that I wasn't sure on my feelings of him as it was something I hadnt considered before but that I loved talking to him. He then blocked me. At first i thought it reasonable for him to do that - at the end of the day, he'd just admitted something he was scared to say and then recieved an answer he didn't want to hear so i was a bit stunned yeah but i understood it. However its now been 2 weeks and he refuses to speak to me at all. I mean AT ALL. I tried to ring him, he cut it off, didnt reply to a text and just in general refuses to have any connection with me. I find it almost impossible to understand why he would resent me so much for it. I mean yes i have hurt him but surely he would have gotton over the origional shock and try to move on at least but thats not what he's doing. It's now come to a point where everytime im rejected, it hurts. I guess i miss him but maybe thats the wrong word?

Then there's the other guy. He knows me better than anyone else. The things that he knows about me I havnt confided in anyone else with and so i stupidly assumed that he would be the same when it came to being completely honest. I've also kind of had this thing for him, i really liked him. Anyone who knows this bit is probably like "He lives too far hannah whats the point?" but to be honest i dont think you can judge things like that unless you've been in the situation yourself, its one of those complicated things. It didnt stop me though. But yeah i stupidly assumed that he liked me as much as i liked him based on what he said and then BAM, junk happens. I find out that he's getting with his ex and has already fucked her. Great. If im honest, it isnt the fact that he is getting back with her, i can understand that. It's the fact that all the stuff he said to me was basically bullshit and lies, all the things i believed were for real. That, and the fact he didn't even have the balls to tell me himself that he didn't feel the same. So yeah i got a bit upset. Cried a bit you know. Fucked up to be honest.

I'm seriously done with all this junk. Being fucked over by someone i trusted more than anyone else, and then being blaintely ignored like im nothing by someone i was so close to. What really is the point in caring about people? Human instinct is to look out for yourself. Every man for himself. And yet you see people willing to lose parts of themselves to share themselves with others and the majority getting fucked over. It's just pointless.

Thankfully though, there are some people that are still with me. People like Lauren, Sarah, Ellie and Mollsy. People who aint affraid to tell me what they really think and who genuinely care about what i do and what happens as a result. They really are amazing.

peace :)
xo

Fireflies

Damien Rice really is an absolute genius. I rather love him. For some reason he reminds me of Jeff Buckley, although i realise they sound nothing like each other, but I mean in the sense that they have songs that have the ability to move people so vividly. For example, 9 Crimes by Damien. It's just unbelievably simplistic and beautiful. I don't know what it reminds me of yet, but you know when you listen to certain songs and they paint some random picture in your mind? Well this one kinda reminds me of rain in a city, but I don't know where yet - despite the fact I've listened to it a billion times today. And Blower's Daughter, yes it sounds completly dirty but its that "can't take my eyessss off you." Mmm <3 He really is a beautiful guitar player too. I'm sorry, not sure why I decided to start my blog off with that but I can't stop listening to him.

Anyway! The snow has been a rather big shock to me - considering i was supposed to be going out with a few people today - but ahh well, i think it's a sign. Haha no I am not one of those people who believes we have no choice in our lives but instead are guided by some bearded spirit in the clouds, however i do think that everything does happen for a reason, but in the sense that, you have a choice in everything, and each choice leads to something else. If that makes sense? Hmm probs not. I know what I mean anyway!
So yes where was I? Ahh yes, was just talking about my amazing snowman that my sister and I made today - was so proud of it to be honest, he is rather magnificant. All the chavs keep walking past and staring at him through the gates. I think they want to kick Henry's (the snowman) head in, but if they even try, they'll be seeing me and my good friend Baseball Bat.
I don't think I've ever seen snow like this before, I was woken up at 8 IN THE MORNING to gaze out of the window and literally about 9 inches of snow was on EVERTHING. The tree in our back garden had so much snow on it that the branches were touching the floor. Funny times.

But yeahh Lils had all her hair chopped off now, and I'm rather in love with my hairdresser, he was the coolest guy ever, and no before you ask, he wasn't gay. Stereotypical bitches. hahaha!

peace :)

Whoah. Didn't think that I'd ever start a blog if I'm completely honest. I always thought that it was for people that appeared to have deeply interesting lives that other people would want to look at and admire and think 'wow I wish my life was that exciting' but now I find myself typing these words right now. Obviously that doesn't mean I think my life is in any way vaguely interesting to other people, however I find myself wanting to write about things that affect my life simply because it seems like a good way to express them and to possibly help any issues that I may have. Call it Cyber-Counselling if you will.
Anyway, the main reason I decided to write a blog was because of my dear friend Lauren who also has a blog - lightmyshadow if your interested - and it seemed that she took great comfort out of writing on here about stuff so I decided that it might be a good idea. Especially since certain things in my life at the moment are not exactly what I would think of as 'easy going.'
What I'm referring to is the fact that I have decided that I am a shit girlfriend. Pardon the french but it needed to be spoken bluntly. I've realised that although I love the thought of having a boyfriend, and the strings that are attached to that label, in reality, particular traits of mine make it much more difficult than first thought.
Basically, I have a boyfriend at the moment, have been seeing him for a while and now for some reason things between me and him appear to have soured - all of this, down to me. Basically, when I'm not physically with him, my feelings towards him appear to be much weaker compared to when I am with him, to the extent where sometimes I find it almost impossible to talk to him. Why I feel like this I have absolutely no idea, which makes it a million times worse because I don't understand what has gone wrong. On his side, nothing has gone wrong: we don't argue and we get on amazingly; however for some strange reason, I just don't find it comforting or interesting to talk to him on things like MSN or the phone the way that I used to.
I decided recently that it was unfair to leave him in the dark about the whole situation and so I told him how I felt - obviously he didn't take the news well as expected - but at the end of the day, it is how I am at the moment and so I felt that he needed to know. What made my news even worse, was the fact that he had recently told me he loved me. I know some people don't necessarily think of that phrase as particularly special anymore, since it is thrown around so carelessly, however for him to admit that meant something to me, despite what was going on. What also amazes me is that he has decided not to give up like everyone else would - hell, even I would of at this stage! - and instead wants to try and make it work. In a way, I am happy about this, because I am just dreading that what I am feeling right now is something that is not a phase and so I will have to hurt him one way or another - something I would rather have inflicted on myself than someone else. On the other hand however, I worry that all that I'm doing is deluding him into thinking it is going to work and so hurting him even more by lengthening the inevitable. From a friend perspective, I still care about him a lot, and from a romantic perspective I care about him a lot, especially when I'm with him, however I wonder if it is the same thing, and if so, why am I trying to prolong something that clearly is not going to work?
*Sigh* I really am Confusion Girl right now. What I really wish for is some mystic Yoda type person to tell me what I should do, or at least tell me what the hell is going on in my head, because I certainly don't have a clue. I'm saying things that I'm not really sure about to compensate other people and hurting them when I should be someone they need to rely on. And what is the conclusion? I have a boyfriend confused and upset but who is determined to make it work, and myself who is confused and completely and utterly fucked up. Pardon the french again.
Anyway, I'm not really sure why I have written so much. Isn't there some kind of etiquette as to how much you should write per blog? Hmm I don't know but if someone could please notify me, that'd be great. Least then I don't have to embarrass myself a second time.

x